Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
