We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
