Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
