i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
