So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
