Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
