So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
