he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
