I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
