Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
