he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
