now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
