WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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