My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
