when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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