Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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