i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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