I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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