omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
