Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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