I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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