Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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