I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
