are you still at the devil's house?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
