she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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