I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
