we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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