A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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