Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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