He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
