hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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