ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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