Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She announced her abortion via fbk
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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