I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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