I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So many bounce houses so little time
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Randomize
