I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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