You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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