I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
