what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
