umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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