And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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