i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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