is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
