The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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