I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Dear god my vagina.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
