You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
