you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you never un-have a 4some
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
