Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
