quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
