this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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