In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
